Bolsheviki: A Dead Serious Comedy Read online

  Scratches his crotch and then fires again.

  “Ping –

  Scratches crotch.

  “Ping –

  Scratches crotch, pulls crab out, throws it in the air, and shoots it.

  “Ping –

  Does fist pump.

  “ ‘Yes!’

  And then listens.

  “Woo – woo – woo – what the fuck was that? – woooo-oo – woo-woo-woo-puppu-p – mortars fat – wobbin – like a flying pig – pup-pup-pup-woo-woo – woo – and sorta oinked on the way down – oink-oink-oink-oink-oink – wwwappp – all those things you wish for? … just arrived – wwww-wappp-pp – ‘If pigs could fly … ’

  “Then − shhu-wheee-ett – we get the whistle – shhu-wheee-ett – It’s the signal to go up over the bags …

  “ ‘Fix Bayonets – Front Rank – About Turn … ’

  “And the First Wave goes over –

  “Takka-takka-tak –

  “They don’t even know what hit them … and then the Second Wave … same thing … Takka-takka-tak …

  “Dead, they’re all dead …

  “Then Lieutenant Postlewaite … how can you forget a name like that … Postlewaite … had these rabbity teeth … Postlewaite … no helmets in those days … sticks up his head – pp – oo – ckk – that’s what it sound like – pp – oo – cc – kk – whistle still in his mouth – sshhuu-tt-t-t – when we found his skull few months later …

  Holds up skull and points to teeth.

  “ ‘Hey, it’s Posssowittt-ssttt – tt – ’

  Throws skull over his shoulder.

  “Anyhow, he falls down – blub – in the mud but we make it over the bags … the Third Wave machine-gun squad … the Vickers machine gun we had issued then … trained on that one … could put it together in three minutes … with Jimmy Kemson carrying the tripod … worked for the cpr … and Mitts Murphy carrying the ammo … he worked in the Grand Trunk yards … and me with the muzzle … don’t work nowhere but I’m working hard now cuz that muzzle weighs a fucking ton …

  Cradling the muzzle.

  “Two canisters of water strapped to my back – clanketty clank – over the bags … tripping over what’s left of the guys in the First and Second Waves, into this – glu-ck – from all that rain … making mud that just – glu-ck – the boots offa you – gluck – not kidding ya, it took my boots off – gluu-ccckk – in my socks – gluu-cckk – not getting nowhere soon – gluucckkk – and …

  Calls.

  “ ‘Hey, Rosie, Rosie … ’ I could hear my squad but I can’t see ’em … “ ‘Hey, Rosie … ’ – gluuu-ccckkk – trying to lift my feet – gluuccc-kkk – walking like Snoozer … this guy from the neighbourhood with feets like Charlie Chaplin – gluck –

  Leans crazy to the left.

  “Gul-luck –

  Leans crazy to the right.

  “Gul-luck –

  Leans crazy backwards.

  “ ‘Hey, Snoozer, how’s your whoozer?’ ” – gglluucck – ‘Come on, Rosie … ’ But I’m stuck trying to push forward … ‘Come on, Rosie … ’ He’s at the wire with wire cutters and – schwaanng – those five-point-niners – SCHWAANNNNG – and – cough cough – where’s Mitts Murphy? … just his hands on the wire and the cutters going …

  Shows the cutters looping through the air; then a frowning pause.

  “No, there was no cutters. Nothing … just gone …

  Recites line from a sentimental, old-time melodrama.

  Put a lamp in the window, Mother, for your wandering boy …

  “And standing there with the muzzle weighing me down – down – and looking for Jimmy Kemson who’s got the tripod … ‘Where the fuck is him?’ … and can’t dump the water canisters … need it to pour in the firing box to stop the gun from overheating when it’s shooting six hundred rounds a minute … could give ya a hard-on just feeling it go off – tack-a-tack-tac – get right into it – tack-tack-a-tac …

  “Where the fuck is he? (yells) ‘Jimmy?’ … ah, fuck it …

  Drops muzzle.

  “Fuck that and trying to turn – ar-rounn-dd – take the canisters off me when − whoosh – a big gghoossshh of air – concussion lifts me up like, like a Houdini –

  Shows suspension.

  “ – then drops me down next to Jimmy Kemson with a big piece of his stomach blown out all over … and at first I can’t hear him, can’t hear nothing b-but I can see he must be screaming cuz his m-mouth is open and his eyes popped almost out of his head and I’m trying to move slow and heavy with everything out of focus … and then … black … am I dead? … is this dead? … cuz if it is, it’s not that bad, ya know … not feeling nothing?

  “And then – aagghh – I can hear him – aagghhh – really hurt … and I tell him … words slurring in my mouth (slurs) ‘Okay, Jimmy, take it easy’ – but – ‘aggghh – it’s hurting – aggghhh – it’s really hurting … Mommy mommy mommy … mommy mommy mommy … Mom-MYYYY!’ – Fuck – ‘Mom-my’ – FUCK OFF.

  Sits down and takes a drink.

  “Mothers – fuck – ‘Is that yer fadder beating yer mudder or yer mudder beating yer fadder?’ … And, no, I don’t know what happen to the bitch, okay?

  “I mean, all the other guys in the outfit got letters and stuff from home. Me? I got nothing but one card from Winnipeg saying, ‘Dear son, I’m in a jam. Send me ten bucks soon as you can.’

  “Heh … ‘Dear Mom, Kiss my bum … ’ but I kept the card so when the guys bug me about getting no mail? … ‘Yeah, I got mail … ’

  Holds up card.

  “Yeah, I got mail … Never mind what it says … None of yer fucking business …

  Looks at card.

  “ ‘Dear son’ … son of a bitch …

  Knock knock.

  “Hey, recorder, still listening? ‘How about a nice warm glass of milk and cookies?’

  Knock knock; then takes a drink.

  “Jimmy Kemson … Born on Fortune Street in the Point … Fortune Street … and ya figure that’s got to be lucky being born on a street with a name like that … but … that’s not how it works … don’t ever wish me good luck … ever … ‘Mom-my … mom-my … mommy … ’ Aw fuck, just shut up. Shut up … and he’s screaming and screaming … ‘Mommy mommy … ’ and you know what I did? … took a sock off my foot and shoved it down his mouth … choking and waving his arms …

  Waves his arm.

  “Till the arms stop waving …

  Drops his arm.

  “And … he gets quiet …

  Takes a breath.

  “Umm … ya know, and of all the things I saw in that war, it’s that sock sticking out of Jimmy’s mouth that still comes back at me in my dreams – no no – I don’t remember it like a dream, it just comes on me from something I heard or seen and I’m in it again … I’m right there …

  “What do you call ’em? … hal … hallu … ci … nations … fifty, sixty years later? … I don’t know why I told you that … never told anybody that …

  Recites a soldier’s song adding the tune here and there.

  Are ya lookin’ for the battalion?

  I’ll tell ya where they are

  Tell ya where they are

  Tell ya … where they are

  Are ya looking for the battalion?

  I know just where they are

  Eddie Jackson Joe McCoy

  Michael Egan Billy Foy

  They’re hanging … they’re hanging

  Hanging by their balls

  They don’t feel too good at all

  hanging on the old barbwire

  Rosie takes a drink.

  “Anyhow next thing I know I’m lying there in the mud with blood coming out of my ears and the top of my little finger missing …

  Looks at his hand.

  “Where’s the rest of my fucking finger?

  Looks at audience.

  “Wife’s not gonna like that …

  Puts hand down.

&nb
sp; “And – uhhh – feeling like – uhhh – and not really wanting to come back to feeling things again, ya know what I mean? … cuz it feels sorta good not feeling anything but – uhhh – but this French voice keeps saying, ‘Hey, Rosie … Rosie, tu m’entends? … Tu m’entends, Rosie?’ … And okay − cough − okay and he starts pouring that navy rum down my throat and − cough − okay – cough − okay … arrête stop … gonna kill me …

  “And that’s how I got to know him … Rummie … Rummie Robidou …

  Takes out his wallet.

  “Used to have a picture of him but I lost it, so I keeps this picture of Rocket Richard …

  Holds up photo.

  “Yeah, cuz it reminds me of Rummie … spelt R-e-n with an ‘e’ that sounds like an ‘a’ … Rummie …

  Looks at photo.

  “Had the same eyes, ya know? Like the Rocket … not going to move out of the way for nobody …

  Puts down photo.

  “From some place out in the bush … Sainte-Catherine-de-Bedbug or somewhere like that … got himself into some kind of strike that went real bad in a chantier, logging camp … somebody got shot or something and he’s outta there over here to France where the Black Watch wear no pants, figuring, well, nobody’s going to look for a peasoup with bow legs in a kilt – ’ostie – cuz very few French guys from Quebec are into fighting for ‘God, King, and country … ’

  “ ‘Not my God, not my King, and not my country,’ he used to say … ’ostie.

  “Well, being Irish from the Point I’m not too crazy about that shit neither, when I bother to think about that stuff, which is just about only never …

  Does snarl with Irish accent.

  “ ‘Ya dirty Protestant baw-sterd … ’

  “And Rummie … he likes me, we’re pals cuz I don’t know why … maybe cuz I speak the hostie de tabarnac de crisse de câlice de Français … chantez la pomme, heh?

  “Well, nothing much to chantez about sitting out in the rain … nose cold ears cold feet cold dicks cold – drip drip drip – blankets wrapped around us with the officers nice and dry in the deep dugout and us in the – drip drip drip – never see that in the photographs, eh? … us sitting there with our cold dicks – drip drip drip – can of beans heating up with maybe some bully beef … always playing cards for cigarettes – yeah – playing poker … that’s the way I remember us best … the old platoon … Mikey Sullivan … Pat Burke … both from the Point … Micky dead at Hill 60 … Paddy got his at the Hooge … Ka-Hooge … and Dougie Daniels … Passchendaele … Pissingdale we called it … pissed raining pissing in the rain – well – Dougie … had a gold tooth, I remember … wonder who got that tooth?

  “So, sitting there that night −

  Holds up cards.

  “ ‘I’ll raise ya two rollies and one tailor-made … What have ya got?’

  “Course I already knew what Rummie’s got in his hand cuz the cards are so worn out we could read them from the back – hey – crisse de câline de bine …

  Slaps down the playing cards and grins as he scoops up the pot.

  “Yeah – ‘Hey, don’t worry, Rummie, gonna get a new pack of cards soon … ’

  “ ‘Ouai, sooner than that ’ostie … ’

  “Meanwhile, dealing out the cards again and I can see – huh – he’s got two jacks and he knows I got an ace high when … when – psss – sss-boom (jumps) Holy shit – lamarde! – a Very light goes up – psss-ss-boom – and the Alleymans start hitting us with those – woo-woo-woo – ‘Flying Pigs’ – pup-pup-pup – ‘It’s coming down … ’

  Ducking.

  “Oink-oink-oink-oink-oink – waw-wa-wa-wapp – pp?

  “Hits a latrine with a big wave of shit and mud and one poor bastard – pants around his ankles but missing arms and head – does a flying, fucking somersault … like this … not kidding … like some clown I saw once in a circus taking a fall from a trapeze with people laughing with the same funny, nervous feeling of not sure it was meant to be funny?

  Imitates Porky Pig.

  “ ‘A-biga-biga-big … that’s all folks … ’

  “Later, we’re put on duty with these sandbags under orders picking up pieces of the bodies that got blown all over hell’s half acre …

  Stands up looking around as if loading up a sack.

  “Looks like a toe? Okay, throw it in. Hey, there’s the rest of the foot still in the boot. Throw it in. ‘Hey?’ … ‘Hein?’ … ‘Look,’ and I pick up this head with the helmet still on it. ‘Hey, I think that’s Barnyard Bates … ’ ‘Ouai, I t’ink so … ’ ‘Geez, I liked Barnyard … won a lot of cigarettes from him … ’ Throw it in the bag with the helmet … he always said it was too tight … ‘Hey, there’s a finger … and … that looks like a piece of elbow … ’ Throw it in …

  Drops them in the bag.

  “And … ‘Hey, Rummie?’ … ‘Garde?’ ‘ … un genou … a knee, I found a knee … and the other foot – look?’

  Holds up foot.

  “ ‘But, Rummie,’ he says, ‘Dat’s the left foot?’ … ‘Yeah?’ … ‘Well, the h’other foot in the bag, that’s the left foot, too … ’ ‘Huh? Don’t think Barnyard’s gonna give a shit … even if we could find his asshole … ’

  Drops foot in the sack.

  Two left feet

  Never going to meet

  Put them in a sack

  Cause he ain’t coming back

  Makes sign of the cross.

  Rest in pieces …

  Fuck me Jesus

  “ ‘Hey, Rosie … garde … ’

  Holds up an ear.

  “Une oreille …

  “ … which reminds me … if this gets in the paper? … I want you to leave out the Bushmills … didn’t happen … not suppose to be drinking … okay? … spelt O-Kay? … fack you, too … ”

  “Anyhow we found enough of Barnyard to get him identified so that means now he gets an official burial and me and Rummie and the other guys we gets to be there at the fuckin’ cere-moan-i-ay in front of this dirt hole in the ground in a mud field full of hundreds of dirt holes dug big enough to hold twelve bodies each … no coffins … all just wrapped up in canvas or army blankets in the rain … wet rain … in what was once a farmer’s house … in what was once a farmer’s field … in what was once full of … I don’t know … paw-tay-dahs?

  “But now we’re planting it with guys that died in what was supposed to be the battle that was gonna end the war … just ended up with us on top another shithole of mud with the reverend there to do the amens … a decent guy … that’s what you call somebody when you’re not sure what else to call him … a decent guy …

  “And he’s standing there and he says − drip − ‘I know what you’re feeling, boys’ − drip − ‘so I won’t pretend that things are doing well’ – drip − ‘or this is what we hope for’ − drip drip drip − ‘but just think about what would happen to us if we lose this war to der Kaiser mit der spiked moustache und der viener schnitzel und pumpernickel … Hoch no, der Kaiser’s got to go! … Boys?’ − drip drip drip − ‘All of us together, boys, and now let us pray’ − drip drip drip − ‘Amen.’

  “Fack you … seen it too many times, heard it too many times … God and Jesus and everlasting peace in heaven where angel Saint Barnyard gets his wings with the harp and his two left feet, carrying his head under his arm, singing …

  Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile …

  Shovelling.

  “What the fuck does ‘amen’ mean anyhow? Eh?

  “And Rummie, he’s got that frown and (stops shovelling) ‘Uh, tu sais, Rosie,’ he says, and I remember this cuz it’s the first time I heard Rummie talk so much English … and he says …

  “ ‘So, I’m telling you, Rosie,’ he says … ‘Il faut faire quelque chose, hein? Comme on a fait dans les chantiers avec les bûcherons there in the bush when the boss, there, he works h’us too hard; then things start to break down. They break down, they do
n’t work, and we don’t work: ‘Hey, boss, I don’t know … ’ Until, okay, even the boss, même que le boss, he understands he’s got to stop making us do what we don’t want to do, eh? So we don’t get killed for no good stupid reason at all … Tu comprends, Rosie?’

  “Yeah, okay … je comprehends … and so do the other guys and more and more we start doing things for ourselves … started doing things de-lib-erately … yeah, that’s the word − del-lib-berately − just amongst ourselves deciding this is what we do and this is what we don’t do and this is what we pretend to do (salutes) ‘Yes, sir, right away, sir … ’ next day (salutes) ‘Yes, sir, right away, sir … ’ and the next day (salutes) ‘Yes, sir, right away, sir … ’ and the next day … ‘You mean ya wanted the guns over there, sir?’ (points) ‘Sideways up yer ass, sir?’

  “And pretty soon the officers? They’re beginning to notice all this cuz nobody’s doing their job.

  Mimics British accent.

  “ ‘I say, Cecil, nobody’s getting killed. What’s going on?’

  Mimes officer frowning.

  “ ‘Hmmm-mmm?’ And while they’re working out ways of getting us back to getting killed, we’re working out a deal with Fritz over there who’s just as fucked up and fed up as we are (yells) ‘Right, Fritz?’ (yells back) ‘Jah, Rosie, der fucked up und fucked over.’

  “Oh, yeah, just takes a week to work out a sort of timing on the firing so Fritz knows and we know when there’s going to be some shelling so we all know when to duck.

  Looks at watch.

  “Oops, eight o’clock −

  Ducks.

  “Schwanng-wang-wanggg −

  Sticks his head back up and yells.

  “Good night, Fritz … ” ‘Guden nacht, Rosie … ’ − kiss-kiss-kiss −

  “And ‘Hmmm? What’s going on?’ (frowns) They can smell it. ‘Hmmm?’ (frowns) They can taste it … ‘Hmmm-mmm?’ …

  “Especially that Captain Talbot Rutherford … still remember his full name, for Christ’s sake … Talbot Leighton Arnold Rutherford … with that snooty nose, like that Pierre Elliott Trudeau – hmmm – ‘Better watch out for him, Rummie. He’s got his eye on you …’

  Points.

  “ ‘You-you-you-and-you,’ he says. ‘I’m volunteering you to go out on patrol in no man’s land.’ Volunteering us over the bags on these reconnaissance raids cuz he wants to go back to Westmount with the dso on his chest … So it’s – boom boom boom – every night with the Alleymans pissed off, booming us back with the Very lights – wiiissshhhhh – and then the – tacka tacka tack – and then – we knew it was coming – sshwang-shwang-sh-wang-sh-fucking – wang-SCHWANG-SCHWANG – going over the bags with a barrage of shells in front of us, boys … perfectly planned and timed to the minute and the second, boys, like a stopwatch they kept telling us … moving behind that protective – yeah – protective wall … and rehearsed us – yeah – back of the line –